I read once where Eckhart Tolle said that almost every person you meet is living in abject terror. Of course that is probably a paraphrase, but it struck me as true.
I help people deal with fear. I’ve seen some pretty amazing results in the lives of those I help.
So, what makes me an expert, or at the very least, highly qualified?
I LIVE in fear. It’s not every moment of every day, but if I had to measure the approximate percentages, I’d say that 75% to 90% of the time I live in fear.
I was programmed in it. I was overmedicated. I was taken to the doctor for the least little thing, which sometimes turned into the big things. My parents were afraid all the time. The reason they controlled me is so I would embarrass them less. “Don’t talk about that outside of the family – We don’t need people knowing our business.”
I went to a Christian school, and I received more fear there. I was told that I was a sinner, and that I was automatically going to hell from the moment my head split out of a vagina, just because I was born in sin. If it felt good to my inner being, it was probably something that was going to send me to hell. That’s a broad brush, and my life has 25 coats of this kind of paint.
Then there’s the “government” and it’s pretty evident now that they’ll shoot you just to placate their egos, and by the way, FUCK due process…
I’m enraged, as I write this. Understand that anger is the most powerful catalyst for moving in or past fear. It’s called “fight or flight” for a reason. It’s my comfort zone, although it’s quite uncomfortable most of the time.
Yesterday, there were a myriad of reasons for me to freak out about things that were actually happening (not possible events, actual events). Was I going to be stranded? Was I going to get jacked up by a cop for parking in the wrong place – because I am currently in such a position out of necessity, waiting for a mechanical weld to cure out on the radiator reservoir. (It was dark when I pulled in, and I stopped at the place I first felt comfortable about turning around with a towed car – I’m a virgin at towing, and this is the maiden voyage.)
And then last night, we had an issue arise that totally tested my ability to remain at peace. This issue, which I will keep on the private side of my life, resulted in me getting very little sleep and worrying about the outcome.
The straw that broke the camel’s back concerning me just laying this all out there, however. is that we have a noise, that we can’t quite figure out on the bus. I called a local large diesel shop, and they quoted me $160/hr labor charge to just take a ride and pass judgment. The guy on the phone took ten minutes of me asking this directly to get it out of him, and by that time, he was pissed, and I was pissed.
I’ve faced fears (piss-your-pants giants) that would make many people projectile vomit. I’ve come out of most every one of these smelling like a rose. And, as much counter-conditioning as I have done with fear, I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. At this point, I’d settle for 50% fear, and 50% peace.
There is a balancer in this, however wonderful or awful that may be. I love my family, I love the people that I interface with, and I know that fear and love can’t co-exist. Sometimes, it’s just seconds or minutes at a time that love displaces the fear. Sometimes, I get hours at a time of knowing love and only love. These hours are rare. But, my goal, my aim is to find that place of peace, even if it’s at death’s door when all of this is “over.”
The shit piece of this is that I, through repeating *some* of my programming, have passed some of this fear onto my children. We’re walking a path that is pretty courageous, so hopefully, experience, and our love will empower them into a place of peace. This paragraph – just one more of my fears…
Love is what keeps me going. Well, that, and anger at the fear.