Paying to exist as consumer
Waiting to be game changer
Learning every step
Breathing every breath in Painguish.

Feeling so alone, yet
Knowing we’re all one
Staying true to course
In storming force of Rainguish.

I know for sure the why
I’m damned as free to fly,
It’s never knowing how
That causes all the Drainguish.

At least there’s love I’ve known
The heights that I have flown
I’ve tasted deeply, darkly, brightly
Love’s constant, fiercest Flameguish…

~JV 8-28-16

Re-thinking Polyamory

Over the years, I’ve intensely studied sexuality, and how my peaceful bliss effects through sexuality. There was a time when Marcy and I started looking at ways that sexuality was fun, exciting, and between consenting adults in a way that didn’t harm anyone (regardless of what religion said).
The mainstream religion that I grew up in (Christianity/is against “swinging”, polyamory, or anything that wasn’t strict “monogamy”.  I find irony in the word monogamy, which means one (mono) marriage (gamy)

From, which I love for word origins:

monogamy (n.)

from French monogamie, from Late Latin monogamia, from Greek monogamia, from monogamos  marrying only  once, from monos  single, alone ; (see mono) + gamos  marriage (see gamete)

Well, I fucked that up, if you’ll pardon the play on words. I was married and divorced quickly before Marcy and I became an item.

If you look at the biblical definition of marriage, however, it means sexual intercourse. It’s more aligned with the engineering definition of marriage which is welded or bonded together in union.

So there is an underlying program that alludes that monogamy is sex or physical bonding with only ONE other being during a lifetime. I know it’s not usually referred to this way, but if you grew up in a strict Christian religion, as I did, it was ALWAYS mentioned this way. “You save yourself for marriage.” (which was till death parts you).

Simple observance yields the discovery that there MOST marriages like this are endurance courses without pleasure, and many end up in divorce and repeat the cycle of enduring without true pleasure.

I’m too distracted for that. I’m always looking for more excitement. Or, so I thought… What I’m really looking for is peaceful excitement.

On Being Sexual

Since early in my life, I’ve allowed myself to be sexually seeking. “Hmmmm. I wonder what that would taste like.” Curiosity was and continues as my hallmark.

I remember being married the first time, and the next door neighbor was laying out in the sun in a skimpy bikini. I was viewing this in the bedroom of our apartment and, while merely observing this, I was walked in on my my ex, and there was an explosion of emotion. It was a “WTF are you doing?!?!” moment. There was no mistaking that even looking was “wrong”, a “sin” and outside of the scope of allowable actions.

I was very careful to never do this again in a way that could compromise me. In short, I learned to repress my display of curiosity about sexuality and enjoyment of the masculine attraction to the visual presentation. (It’s hard wired into the DNA, I believe.)

I make no apologies about being sexually curious, because I explored it in a way that was meant for my discovery, and never in a way that was with intent to harm anyone.

I had several affairs during my second (and current) marriage, and there was a time when Marcy and I worked through those in conversation. One day the timing was right to bring it up, and we sailed through it like an afternoon cruise on the Mediterranean. We saw that it didn’t “harm” us, and that it actually made our sex hotter. That was our dynamic. Others may have different results, but when we discussed “facts” as superior to “feelings”, we saw no harm, and just moved on into sexual openness that was defined on the fly. I was able to be fully honest with her about my desires. (sighing deeply in relief.)

[I get that some people may see that my infidelity was a breach of trust and communication and honesty. I agree. I just didn’t know how to be happy with my desire and my structured monogamy. Judge all you want. I made it through this.]

Writing The Book

Marcy and I wrote a book called “The Mantra Of Love” which lays out our journey from monogamy to the paradigm of non-monogamy.

The core of the book is based on the observance that Love is allowance. Love is without fear, hate, control, ownership, demand for a specific outcome, or harm to any party. Love is the desire for intimacy. Intimacy is the progression to and past the point of vulnerability without judgment.”

Marcy and I had investigated our experiences, feelings, facts, and belief systems on “love” and tried to solidify what love really is.

The marriage vows are self-contradictory, in that they imply unconditional love “for better or worse” and yet contain a condition “to love only you till death parts us” (If you love someone else, or are attracted to someone else, it’s fucking over, bud…).

My childhood contained conditions on love, that were cemented deeply with punishment and fear tactics.

Seeing that love is purely in the NOW, and not future based, it was a place of peace for us.

Which, brings me to the matter of “the one” that society has taught us to look for.

The One…

There is this prevailing picture that there is “the one” or the person that can “complete me” (Thanks Jerry Maguire).

I see this as false. We have a war within ourselves to be complete – period. With or without anyone. We also have a desire for connection, intimacy, and relationship. I do believe that there are people who can really bond and make magic together, however. Marcy and I have that to the nth degree.

Relationship is mutual reward. It’s a dance that yields pleasure, no doubt, if it is MUTUALLY rewarding.

Movie depictions of “prince charming” or “happily ever after” are merely illusory depictions of falsely easy scenarios. Hell, they don’t even deal with how the toilet paper roll is installed, so you know there’s going to be crisis at some point…


Honestly, I’ve never really settled on a feeling of “home”. I never really felt secure in my childhood, in a way that made me feel at peace, so the closest thing I have to a “home” memory are the times when I was alone, traveling through the woods as a youngster, or riding my bike, or even later driving a car through the landscape – alone.

That alone scenario didn’t fulfill my longing, my desire to connect with my origin, or parental figures in a peaceful way that gave me stability. That never happened.

The Source of My Searching

Vulnerability moment: In 2014, I was triggered deeply while doing some inner work. I asked my inner being for the identification of the source of this feeling of terror. The image came to mind…

As a boy, I would wet the bed. I would be terrified, in the dark, soaked in urine, and  call out for my mother. She would come in the room, change my sheets, give me a new change of clothes, and then leave. I wanted her to comfort me, but she had to go to work the next day, and didn’t ever, to my memory, stay and comfort me.

I never had a breastfeeding bond, or even a pure love bond with my mother (or father). I felt alone, abandoned, and terrified of my origin. The god that supposedly created me was looking for a reason to send me to eternal flames. Why was I here without true connection? Why had I been entered into this life without love as my foundation?

And it was this absence, this missing link, that was my haunting, and at the same time my magic.

Because I had only my autonomy, I had been free, from a very early age, to search, to investigate, to learn, and seek the meaning of life, and my joy.

If I could find someone that would just validate that, and allow (love) me to be me without judgment…

And Then

It’s not necessary to write our entire history to say that the dance that Marcy and I have had is one of her embracing me without judgment. I’ve been allowed to grow, thrive, and even step outside of our sexual connection to connect with other people.

We’ve had magic, both in and out of the bedroom. We have bonded deeply. We have had true connection that continues to this day.

And yet, there was that piece that still haunted me about being at peace with my origin. How could I get past those anchors that I was only loved if I conformed to a certain standard?

INTENSE Spanking…

The G-Spot release that I trained for, and have used to help women, is framed around NO sex, and taking sex completely out of the picture. This allows for the feminine to escape the sympathetic nervous system fear response of “tend and befriend” and slip into a parasympathetic space of “no-mind” or out of her fucking mind (literally), to a place where fear, trauma, and anguish can be released with G-spot ejaculation.

The training that I had touched slightly on aspects of BDSM. It even delved deeply into the response system and psyche of the feminine. What it lacked, in my opinion, was the masculine processing of this delivery.

Yes, there is a feeling of gratification – not sexual, but psychological and emotional – in participating in this scenario.

What was missing was the processing of my own release of guilt, shame, fear, and feelings of abandonment.

There was a day when I was speaking with a childhood friend about what I did as a Vagician, and he brought up spanking. This progressed into a two-hour discussion on our similar childhood anchors of punishment, fear, and spankings. I was enthralled. I took notes. (LOL). I knew this was a life-changing moment, but didn’t know how yet.

This spanking piece immediately set upon my mind with the haunting that it had to be a piece of my delivery. I shelved it, not being comfortable with this progression, but it wouldn’t leave me alone.

I discussed it with Marcy, but it was something that she wasn’t open to, and I wasn’t in a space of “desiring” it, so I didn’t really pursue it. I just knew that there was something there.

A series of events, most of which are already written about on this blog, led me to the place of writing Catharsis

Marcy requested to go through catharsis, exactly as it was written…

The first time went differently than I had pictured in my head, until on the next day, the release of G-spot ejaculate and the accompanying release of anguish bonded our souls deeper than any bond I had ever imagined, or desired. I’m still in a state of processing this.

We’ve revisited the intense spanking piece several times, and each time we’ve noticed that I reciprocally release the fear that I’ve held deep within. My fear of being abandoned without hope of connection have been replaced with a peace that I have never, in all of my years, experienced. That former fear has dissolved in true connection.

I am one with my lover in mutual surrender. It was actually more difficult for me to deliver the spanking the first time than it was for her to receive it. The childhood lies of “It’s going to hurt me more than it hurts you” (which was merely for control) turned into actuality (because this was for release and empowerment), and I was immediately smitten with my own past and laying that down in this act of surrender for her.

The oxytocin, pitocin, and other bonding hormones that were released during this method have been swirled between us in a soul-bonding weld. Marriage, in the engineering sense of the word, has occurred. I can’t prove it, but there seems to be orgasmic energy associated with spanking.

The point of this section is that the bond that has developed between us has replaced any fear of loss of love, any fear of abandonment. Truly, in the NOW, we have enough connection to displace fear. I call that peace.

And, the blood, sweat, and tears that paved the way to this moment, are NOT something that anyone else deserves to hold, in my life. Marcy’s been there through all of it. Every goddamn, grueling, anguished scream.

And while we are both open to poly play, we’ve seen enough of our own drama, and enough of that in a poly setting, that we are without desire for any deep relationship building scenarios.

I believe that I’ve found the holy grail of true connection.

Do I want to use it to connect with lots of women? Well, I’m going to frame that answer this way. If Marcy and I both feel good about something, we’ll pursue it.

But, in the same way that I put a wall of “NO sex” around the G-spot session, and that is only for the elimination of fear, I’m putting a wall around my bond with Marcy in a way that says, I can love everyone, even deeply, but I’m soul-bonded with her in a way that gives me peace. Add to that, and we will thank you. Any other scenarios are not needed, wanted, or entertained.

Marcy and I are willing, able, and in position to show other couples how this bond is administered, in a way that allows them to experience the bond between themselves.

[IMPORTANT NOTE: When I saw that eliminating sex from the delivery of G-spot ejaculatory release was a key element in assisting women through eliminating the fear of being “conquested”, it shifted my thinking. I am without conscious desire now for mere conquest, even though I may have that biological response. It’s akin to eating, which is a basic life need. One can eat at Taco Bell, and experience the after-effects of eating that level of fare, or one can eat at a macrobiotic restaurant that provides top-shelf cuisine. To me, pursuing “conquest” feels disingenuous, and even inferior, because it is feels like basic programming. I know that most of my peers won’t understand, and may even scoff at this. My prevailing thought is that women are in sympathetic fear response because of being pursued as sexual objects. So now, my overriding desire is to connect with them on a different level, that of administering release. The Friend-Zone is my comfort zone.]

If I had to be honest, it’s all about me.

I read once where Eckhart Tolle said that almost every person you meet is living in abject terror. Of course that is probably a paraphrase, but it struck me as true.

I help people deal with fear. I’ve seen some pretty amazing results in the lives of those I help.

So, what makes me an expert, or at the very least, highly qualified?

I LIVE in fear. It’s not every moment of every day, but if I had to measure the approximate percentages, I’d say that 75% to 90% of the time I live in fear.

I was programmed in it. I was overmedicated. I was taken to the doctor for the least little thing, which sometimes turned into the big things. My parents were afraid all the time. The reason they controlled me is so I would embarrass them less. “Don’t talk about that outside of the family – We don’t need people knowing our business.”

I went to a Christian school, and I received more fear there. I was told that I was a sinner, and that I was automatically going to hell from the moment my head split out of a vagina, just because I was born in sin. If it felt good to my inner being, it was probably something that was going to send me to hell. That’s a broad brush, and my life has 25 coats of this kind of paint.

Then there’s the “government” and it’s pretty evident now that they’ll shoot you just to placate their egos, and by the way, FUCK due process…

I’m enraged, as I write this. Understand that anger is the most powerful catalyst for moving in or past fear. It’s called “fight or flight” for a reason. It’s my comfort zone, although it’s quite uncomfortable most of the time.

Yesterday, there were a myriad of reasons for me to freak out about things that were actually happening (not possible events, actual events).  Was I going to be stranded? Was I going to get jacked up by a cop for parking in the wrong place – because I am currently in such a position out of necessity, waiting for a mechanical weld to cure out on the radiator reservoir. (It was dark when I pulled in, and I stopped at the place I first felt comfortable about turning around with a towed car – I’m a virgin at towing, and this is the maiden voyage.)

And then last night, we had an issue arise that totally tested my ability to remain at peace. This issue, which I will keep on the private side of my life, resulted in me getting very little sleep and worrying about the outcome.

The straw that broke the camel’s back concerning me just laying this all out there, however. is that we have a noise, that we can’t quite figure out on the bus. I called a local large diesel shop, and they quoted me $160/hr labor charge to just take a ride and pass judgment. The guy on the phone took ten minutes of me asking this directly to get it out of him, and by that time, he was pissed, and I was pissed.

I’ve faced fears (piss-your-pants giants) that would make many people projectile vomit. I’ve come out of most every one of these smelling like a rose. And, as much counter-conditioning as I have done with fear, I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. At this point, I’d settle for 50% fear, and 50% peace.

There is a balancer in this, however wonderful or awful that may be. I love my family, I love the people that I interface with, and I know that fear and love can’t co-exist. Sometimes, it’s just seconds or minutes at a time that love displaces the fear. Sometimes, I get hours at a time of knowing love and only love. These hours are rare. But, my goal, my aim is to find that place of peace, even if it’s at death’s door when all of this is “over.”

The shit piece of this is that I, through repeating *some* of my programming, have passed some of this fear onto my children. We’re walking a path that is pretty courageous, so hopefully, experience, and our love will empower them into a place of peace. This paragraph – just one more of my fears…

Love is what keeps me going. Well, that, and anger at the fear.

The Vaccine Injury Tipping Point.

I just saw a video by Penn and Teller about Vaccines on their “BULLSHIT” platform. They have two boxes that represent vaccinated people and unvaccinated people.

The vaccinated box has a plexiglass square in front of it that says “VACCINATION” on it. They then scoot the plexiglass to push one of the people out of the box, as to represent an autistic child due to vaccine injury.

The irony is that their logic (a) could be applied equally to two boxes containing vaccine manufacturers versus other manufacturers. Then on the plexiglass, NCVIA, a liability eliminating law that totally shields vaccine manufacturers from their products’ injurious results.

Other manufacturers are knocked down daily by gavels hurled in courtrooms across America, for damages cause by their product. But not vaccine manufacturers. They have “herd immunity” from lawsuits caused by their products.

The good news is that now, People are tired of the BULLSHIT that Penn and Teller don’t have the balls to present. The BULLSHIT I reference is of vaccines causing injury.

And now, doctors are starting to say “Enough!”

Here’s a blog post where a doctor does just that:


The tipping point is occurring. Then, we shall see where the true BULLSHIT remains.